Hedger Corp: Spider in the Office!

The saga of Hedger Corp, told in weekly installments. More here.

When Derek arrived at work this week, things seemed normal enough…

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Until he walked into a spider web! He immediately launched into the “spider web dance.”

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Sue walked in on this spectacle.

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Then they both spotted the spider, creeping toward Derek’s briefcase.

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Bob walked in and assessed the situation.

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He desperately wanted to flee, but that would be so cowardly. Instead, he decided to leap up on the table and stay there.

Forever, if he had to.

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Sue volunteered to kill the spider. She fetched one of Brandon’s shoes and positioned herself to make a deadly strike. Derek and Bob counted down from five, but at the last second Sue yelled, “Wait! Wait! Wait!”

This scenario repeated itself for 40 minutes.

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It was clear that they would need another strategy.

Sue and Derek got to work, sketching out plans to kill the spider without getting anywhere near it. Meanwhile, Bob was assigned “spider monitor.”

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Let me tell you, the creativity and diligence that went into the “Kill the Spider” effort was astonishing. The employees were operating at a level of productivity 40,000 times higher than normal.

They spent hours building a complicated contraption to kill the spider from afar.

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Sue started looking around for a place to plug in the huge USB cable. “Why did the contraption even HAVE a USB cable?” she wondered. It had seemed so important when they were creating the schematic. But she couldn’t recall why.

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Eventually they realized their contraption was so huge they couldn’t even move it. Plus they really weren’t sure what it did.

They decided to dismantle that whole thing and come up with another plan. But before they could even start discussing a new concept, something horrifying happened…

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A freaking ENORMOUS spider appeared. Beyond enormous. Bob dove over the wall, not caring if he lived or died.

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The spider ate Brandon’s shoe in two bites, as if to say, “Weaklings, you have no chance.”

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Then it scuttled over to feast on the orange chair. The only cool chair in the whole office.

Derek began to sob and throw up all at once.

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Then something truly unexpected happened. Bob returned, pushing a crate full of weapons.

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The biggest chicken in the whole office, yet here he was, ready to help.

He had assembled a variety of items to try and defeat the spider.

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The globe seemed an odd choice, but the scissors, broom, compass, fire extinguisher and cones were good. And was that… a GUN? Sue and Derek didn’t even want to know where that came from.

Sue ran out to set up the orange cones. They would serve as a signal to others to take a different route.

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Then she began to heave items at the spider.

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In another show of superiority, the spider ate the scissors in their entirety.

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It was time for the gun. She fired off a warning shot, in hopes of scaring the spider away.

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Derek, who didn’t like guns one bit, tackled Sue to the ground. She fired off another warning shot as she went down, and the bullet shot toward Brandon’s cubicle.

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Brandon was so engrossed in watching his aquarium he didn’t even notice the bullet whiz by.

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Back in the breakroom things were looking desperate. Then Bob remembered that his “Defeat the Spider” kit contained one other item…

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He held it up for the spider to see.

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It was Bob’s old employee photo. Back when he had a Doris Day hairdo and a caterpillar mustache.

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The spider seemed extremely disturbed by the image. It began darting around the room, crashing into things. Then it made a beeline for the wall and jumped over, much like Bob had done had a few minutes earlier. But with a lot more grace.

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Sue and Derek watched as the spider barreled through the front door of the building, seemingly running for its life.

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It scurried by Grandma Bernice, who noticed nothing out of the ordinary.

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Back in the breakroom, Sue Derek and Bob tried to recover from their ordeal. Then Ted walked in.

He knew nothing of the “big spider” incident — he had missed the whole thing. But when he saw the room he gasped. It wasn’t the state of the room that shocked him, it was the little spider. It was back, walking across a piece of white paper on the ground. And it frightened Ted deeply.

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Without a word, Sue walked over to the spider…

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… and crushed it with her bare hand.

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And just like that, the spider ordeal was over, and Sue became a legend.

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Next: When a magician shows up in the office, the employees start believing that magic can solve their problems. They couldn’t be more wrong. 

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4 comments

  1. Would you please send Sue to my house? She can cement her legendary spider killing powers in my bathroom, which seems to double as the spiders’ break room.

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  2. Sue’s conquest reminds me of childbirth. I was a grown woman who was terrified of needles, until I had my first child. There is nothing scarier or more empowering than surviving labor and delivery.

    Except spiders. Spiders make me sick. Your story was only tolerable by scrolling quickly past the photos. (Guess you could call me Ted.)

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